Saturday, January 20, 2007

Where did I come from? Who am I? And where am I going?

("D'où venons nous? Que sommes nous? Où allons nous?", Paul Gauguin)

Well dedicated visitors of Clear Light here is something new for you, my personal thoughts! Almost a year out of university and already having answered the first two questions,(sperm and egg, Katherine Deanna Binns) I now am venturing on to the third and final question. It sort of seems as if I am in limbo. (Waiting for...what? The starting gun!)

I feel like this weird anticipation, knowing that now everything depends solely upon myself. No one is going to do it for me. Up until this year I had a path that stretched out before me, and all I had to do was stay on it. Well, that was the well travelled path that most everyone takes (school, school and more school) and not much thought was given to afterwards. Now there is this pressure to follow the next steps in this well worn path. Which as I see it is, go to school or get a job, save money, get married in a traditional christian ceremony, buy a house, have kids, save money, raise kids, watch them grow up and leave, save money, prepare for your death. Really this is not the worst path to travel, and there is more to it than what I have listed. Obviously I am being a little cynical here. And there is joy and pleasure in raising a family. But Something keeps whispering in my ear, "take the road less traveled". (No Robert Frost is not visiting me from beyond the grave)

Sometimes I think, yeah, it would be easy to get a day job that pays enough to live on. and yeah then I could probably get a mortgage to buy a house. and yeah maybe then have children. It seems like such a realtively easy life, as compared to what I am trying to achieve right now. I must ignore the pressure to conform to the comfort of that path of life. Comfortable because that kind of life is what is expected and embraced by the general population (and parental units).

Where has this rant come from? Well, earlier today I was talking to my friend Natsuko, and she has a show in Winnipeg, and an article on her art in Galleries West!! WOW! To be published this early? I mean thats incredible, but of course she is an incredible artists (check out her website here). Another one of my friends who graduated with me, Angela, has curated a show at the Mackenzie (now on exhibit, go check it out). Which is also an amazing feat! These woman are the same age as me, and look at what they have accomplished thus far. Not even a year out of university, one is a curator and the other a touring artist. And even other friends, who may not be focusing on art right now, are overseas expanding their knowledge in numerous and exicitng ways.

I am so happy for these friends, but it also is a reprimand for myself. What have i been doing? Not Much. Squandering my time as usual. ("fritter and waste the hours in an offhand waaa-iaay") playing Okami and reading countless amounts of books. I often critique others for not pursuing their goals and seeing them through to the end, but I think I need to point the finger at myself.

These words of Timothy Leary keep running through my head. "Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities — the political, the religious, the educational authorities — who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing — forming in our minds — their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable open-mindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability to inform yourself."

I realize that I am bending the interpretation of this a bit, but just bear with me. I apply this to myself in the perspective that if I really want to blaze my own trail in this chaos we call life, then I must question the authorities (i.e. parental) who have attempted to comfort me my whole life with rules, regulations, and their view of reality which they have firmly embedded in my mind. I must also be willing to step into 'a state of vulnerable open-mindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability to inform' myself as to which path I want to take. Realizing, that it won't be easy and there will be a lot of unknowns. Which really is quite exciting to me. I've always been the one to not follow rules and the norm... why stop now?

post script: Don't get me wrong, I Love my parental units dearly.
post post script: rob, let's become hemp farmers.


rob said...

i'm down

kat said...

i'm serious

Demoncrush said...

need a hand with that?

Pilot said...

hemp is so 1997. You guys ever considered opium poppies... or even raising siberian tigers. Now that's the cash crop!